~..=*~Wisely~*=..~

Saturday, June 7, 2008

2nd celebration of Lin's Birthday.. and some emo shit again.

2nd round of Lin’s birthday celebration is over.

Ended up with a very drunk Lin.

But still, a pretty and gorgeous looking birthday girl...

Quite a number of people attended the pubbing session.

Me, Ber, ZW, Bozs, Yun, B & P，Jennifer, Gek Xin, her colleagues and of cos, QY, Audrey, Adam and XB.

Bozs asked me a funny thing.
“How come you seems to know almost every friends of Lin?!:

Well, I have met QY, Audrey they all twice at least.
I have met Jennifer.
I have met Gek Xin and chatted.

I have heard a lot about XB.

So basically, other than her colleagues, I kinda knew everyone there.

Overall was a happy celebration for her.

Other than some emo parts here and there…

I was really worried for her, but then, I knew she will stick to XB, so there aint much I can do. Furthermore, QY also there…

I guess most of the time I was smoking. Just yesterday, I think I smoked more than 1 ½ pack.

Other than smoking alone, QY jio, Gek Xin jio, Jeremy also jio.. Fucking smoke like a chimney.

I guess, lots of emotions flowed in me yesterday.

Seeing her flying here and there, sticking to XB, drinking, crying and drunk.

After the cake cutting, I was sitting outside with Gek Xin, smoking and chatting away.

She didn’t know Lin and me already broken up, till she asked Lin when Lin went to pick her up.

Then she asked me how long was that ago.

Gek Xin told me, Lin told her she was really happy with me that’s why she wanted Gek Xin to know that time at White Bar. She thought me and Lin could have lasted long, but then, who knows?

History repeated itself again.

I just told her, no matter she was happy with me, no matter I have been the longer r/s after Ad, no matter how good I am, the ending, is still the same as other guys. Furthermore, I kena 2 shots in 3 months.

I told Gek Xin, 我不在乎曾经拥有，我在乎天长地久。曾经拥有，不算拥有。

Whatever was said, doesn’t prove a single point at all now.

I told her, I can do whatever best I can, but no matter what, it doesn’t matter to her in the end. Though I still love her to the core...

She understood how I felt, saying if in her shoes, she wont have been able to take it.
Yah.. I am human too. I have got feelings and a feeling is something I care about the most.

After chatting with her, went over to Joyce, my ex-colleague’s side at Club 62.
She was with a friend and was intro to her, Celeste.

Coincidentally, she also just had a breakup, 2 weeks ago. This is roughly about the same time as me.

So there again, another one in emo mood. Smoking with Celeste outside and talking about things and she crying away. The guy, left her for another girl.

Sometimes listening to these stories, I just cant help thinking that how come I am guy, but going through the process of the girls? I have never left any gfs of mine for another girl.

Haiz…..

I was like social butterfly, to and fro both pubs.
Till Lin really gone, and need to go home. XB sent her home.

Jennifer wanna go over her place to pass her her gifts and all, but she left them with me instead. No point going down again when she got home and knew nuts about what in the world is going on.

After that, Ber and Yun also left. Gek Xin wanna go St James find her friend. End up left me, Bozs, Qy, Audrey and Adam.

I still go to and fro both pubs, with Bozs. PR abit ma. Machaim like I am the one hosting.
Actually, I am just another person in the pubs.

In the end, before going off with Joyce, Bozs and Celeste, cos we all live in the west, went over to tell QY. Qy poured a galss of liquor for me, super thick la!

Telling me that’s my punishment for making her went around Outram area, pub to pub looking for me. Simply wanted me to bottom up when she clearly knew I cant drink lor.

Bo bian, cos Mommy wasn’t in a good mood also, making some noises, so I tried to drink.
REALLY GAO LART！Bo bian I tried drinking to almost 2/5, then gotta ask Bozs to finish the rest for me. After that went off le.

~*~

Lin woken up just now, telling me things here and there.

She didn’t know if she said anything wrong or what and scared she freaked XB out in the cab or what.

Den telling me about this Andy guy. Telling about who wanna go after her and her diiner appointments etc and all.

Then on about XB and Ad. I knew she is afraid to get into another r/s again.

But then again, you are afraid, can you really control things to happen?
Everything she talked about are XB, Ad and other guys to me.

Yes, I know she wanna be normal with me. But I am human too. I am her ex too, just 2 weeks ago! I really cant just flip over and be ok like nothing happened.

Does anyone understand the kinda feeling when your ex telling you, about other guys etc and all when you both just broken up 2 weeks ago?

I know Lin just wanna treat me as a good friend. But does she know how I felt?
Does she know how much I still love her and wanna be with her?!

Telling me she scared she might fall back to XB. Cos he is all way better than Ad and all and all.
I kept thinking back in my mind.
“What the fuck am I? Who the fuck am I?!

Why do others always get a 2nd chance? Why do I not?

Only reason… I am not worth it at all…

The feeling of listening to her telling me about other guys just makes me feel down. Not I wanna purposely feel this way, but I just cant help it!

How else can I feel? It just cuts me further in. Does anyone understand?

Yun has been telling me to give up, telling Lin to give up.
But the same thing, how to give up when the heart is still on the other side?

It kinda gets very down when you kept hearing others asking you to give up, knowing very well how hard it is to do it at all.

Others have been telling her about her situation, its just 飞蛾扑火。

I told Audrey, QY and Gek Xin, its just the same thing applied to me.

I had it coming. But I cant help falling for her. I just wish things of the past can fade off and we can really be happy together.

Audrey asked me yesterday, “Do you still love her and want to be with her still?”
I don’t even need to answer, QY already said “Of course la!”

Lin ever told me, first time met I met Audrey, she told Lin that Lin will love me a lot. She also don’t understand why.

But then… Same ending.

Emotions kinda overwhelmed me just now when Lin kept talking about XB and Ad.
I just said “Go back la, go back la , go back la.”

Den she said wanna put down the phone le.

I knew, my such attitude came again.

I am sorry. Really sorry... I dont mean to...

But do you really understand what I am feeling inside?

Am I just another guy who foolishly lives in this world for you?

~*~

对不起
我还戒不掉我们的从前。。。
我不是个说放就放，说忘就能忘的人。

我真的还没办法把你戒掉。

你真的不能回头看看我吗？
我真的那么不值吗？
我对你的爱，你一点也没感觉吗？

我知道，我什么都不是，什么都没有了。

我将永远失去你。。。

The Soul feels @ 4:47 PM *~The Lost Soul~*