Thursday… It has been a week...
Yesterday was another saddening day filled with emotions again.
Boss and all went to HQ for meeting.
So I decided to go down to Bras Basah, Popular HQ to try my luck.
Took a train to Cityhall and then remember that there is a MPH at Citylink.
Went over there, couldn’t find the titles, so I went to Raffles City Basement, MPH, yet again, cant find.
Decided to go over Brqas Basah already. Came up, great.. Raining big time.
Nevertheless, I still ran over, from Raffles Hotel side so I wont kena so much rain.
Still, I am drenched cos the rain was just too heavy.
I went to Popular, look through all the related shelves trying to find, but sadly, no.
Asked the information counter, they don’t carry these titles already. She asked if I want to order, I didn’t. Cos I already told the Popular at my workplace to order.
As I wanna go off from Bras Basah, I saw 2 resellers bookstores. I decided to go in and search for the older versions.
Again, I looked through shelves and shelves, I only managed to find one old title, which aint any I wanna get.
I left, for Bugis Junction. Once again, the rain started heavily again.
I under shelter just now, it stopped. I came out, rain again WTF!
Still, I ran across. I came from dry, to drench, then to dry and now I was drenched again.
Went over to Kinokuniya, looked through the shelves again, no.
I went through 3 Kinokuniya, 4 Populars, 3 Times bookstores, 2 MPH, Borders and Page One at Vivo, oh… and 2 re-seller bookstores, I cant find the titles at all.
I checked with all their information counters, they told me all out of stock. I cant believe it!
All of such major bookstores out of stock! Fuck!
No choice, went back office with disappointment.
Didn’t have lunch, so just grab some breads in office.
~*~
Lin asked if I can meet her to get her the phone today (Wednesday) instead of tomorrow (Thursday).
Well, though I have got class, still went ahead.
As usual, met her at Tiong Bahru train station platform and went over to PS together.
We didn’t queue long for the phone, she got a new line, a new phone and I paid for it.
This was what I promised her for her birthday present before we split.
Don’t you expect I could get a hug or kiss or what. I would have never expect any of that, knowing her.
Its just a normal words of thank you and we went to smoke, then she went home and me to class.
I felt terrible while walking to class. The heart felt the sharp pain again.
While on the train to Dobbhy Ghaut, as usual, she will stand by my right side or infront of me. Usually, I would want her to stand in front of me so I could hold on to her. I used to hug her from the back, but now… We are just 2 individuals.
I kept looking at her through the window’s reflection while she was playing her PSP. I felt that kinda sharp pain again.
The Jialin in front of me, is still the same. But the status, the relations and feelings, are all different already. I am different in all the sense. I am just anyone, no one…
~*~
Lin sms me last morning and just now through emails. Telling me not to tell her, send her loving words cos she scared ‘He” will check and is sensitive.
I hate all these.
Everything is all about Him!
All the things I do for her sake, indirectly, I did for his sake.
Cos all those I did and oblige to Lin is mainly towards him.
Why the fuck am I doing all these indirectly for him?!
I say all these.. not to the one I love, then who the hell do I say to?
I have already been forced to the core to let go, but why is it at this stage, I am still being pushed back further?
Am I wrong to say these? Am I wrong to do these?
Why the hell does he have to check and see? What is he scared of? Cant trust you enough?
Everything is about him… All the rules and regulations are bent for him…
Who on earth understand what I have gone through and going through?
Who am I? Or what am I?
Anyone spared a thought for my heart?
No matter how hard I try and how good I do, end of the day, I am still being forsaken and some, with sarcastic remarks.
Many had told me how stupid I am and asked me why am I doing all these? Whats the point, is it worth?
How many of you are in my situations? Those who know me well enough, you know why I am doing these.
Ya, I know… So what?
Is she going to come back? NO!
She is over obsessed with Him! God damm NO!
Thanks everyone for telling me all these… I know them.
But…
Whatever…
WHATEVER!
*Yes, I do reply selectively now
Cos certain things if I really want to reply,
its going to be with frustrations. .
I am already trying hard...
Do you understand at all?
我的痛苦。。。
没人了解，没人感受。。。
